I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
