Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize