i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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