First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
