what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
