Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
