I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
