Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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