if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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