Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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