I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize