We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
