In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
