69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
