just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
