we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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