i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize
