If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
