I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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