I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
