He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
