I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
