I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
