I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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