Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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