can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I just want to make out with him forever
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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