I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
