my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
