kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
