I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
