No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
