Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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