I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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