Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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