Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
