hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
where are my pants?
in the oven.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
