I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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