No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize