I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
