his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
