Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
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