If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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