the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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