I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
