Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
