Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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