I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize