Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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