dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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