If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
