doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
