My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
