I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
