I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
