Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
