Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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