Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
my liver is dry heaving
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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