I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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