ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
