Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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