Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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